All good things come to an end.

I only have about seven people who glance at my blog every now and again but I regret to inform that I am retiring this blog. This does not mean that I am retiring my blogging days but I think that having a fresh start for the summer and beyond is most important!


Goodbye everyone! Thank you listening to my bicker and banter. I shall return with a new blog full of memories of Scotsman and Vag Club.

Lovely Bones.

There are only so many things that can bring me back to 11 years ago. Whether it be long conversations with my stepmother or sitting in the back of my family's church. Maybe a photograph. Or the gardens in Minneapolis near her cemetery. As each year comes and goes, I find myself farther away from her. The pain subdues. And her short existence is told through slipping memories. Her belongings stowed away in a wooden chest.

But what really gets to me is that I somehow can be taken back to that day where my father and I walked around the block, holding hands. I had known that something was wrong. My mother's face pale in shock. My father pulling me up onto the trunk of his car, to tell me that she was gone. The first time my father cried in front of me. This all comes back when I least expect it to. And though I have accepted her death, I still can't accept that there is always something missing from me.



I watched Peter Jackson's, The Lovely Bones, tonight. It is strange to see grief that reminds me of home. I wonder if Erica has let us go. She came to me when I was 16. That isn't something I like to tell many people. But when she came to me, I knew that it was the beginning for her to leave us. I remember crying and begging for her to visit my stepmother. And I wasn't too sure if it would happen, as we all began to heal. She had visited my father, but only briefly.

When I went back home last weekend, my stepmother ran a marathon of 6 miles. On the 4th mile, she wasn't too sure if she would make it all the way through. In that second, my stepmother's song for Erica played on her mix. She was able to carry herself the two miles, as she ran faster than she had before. My father was at the end of the race and she found herself falling with exhaustion and crying with relief. She told me that she knew that Erica was there. And something inside me knew that this was her goodbye.


"Nobody notices when we leave. I mean, the moment when we really choose to go. At best you might feel, a whisper or the wave of a whisper..."

-Susie Salmon

You are probably my best friend in this entire world.

4/1/2010 12:32 AM

To: Bee York.

You had me worried! I thought the 'cryptic message' on your blog was aimed entirely at me. So I'm reading "You can't forgive me for last year? I'm not a great person? What did I do? : ( But I thought I was good. I make you feel fucked up? How? I don't want you to ever feel bad because of me. You want her to dump me? What? You're sorry my mum has cancer? WHAAAT?"

It took me a few seconds for me to work it all out. Granted, it may come across as crass - the person obviously did affect you greatly - but I was relieved when I realised you were not referring to me! I'm not sure if you'll find that rubbish or if you're currently laughing. I hope you're currently laughing - laughing at the idea of me freaking out. Like that time you told me you were a big black woman, and 'Allison' was just some girl you knew that you'd taken photos of? Haha. You probably don't even remember that shit!

THREE TIMES! No way. That's weird.

It feels more. But three seems right aswell.

Here's an interesting thought for you:

We've only ever met in Airports.

And it's been a different one.

And you were late TWO of those times by half an hour or more! =p

Haha, I forgive you "I ain't askin' fo' you fohgivnas, Kaaaale".

I know. But Kyle gets mightily anxious.

Oh, Kale. (Kyle)

I want to have a secret with every single one of my friends. Something that only me and that other person knows.

I want to go farther.

Contemplating celibacy.

Celeste and I have this agreement that all men are assholes.  They are simple creatures who don't care about anyone but themselves.  Women have to always justify their asshole actions, as if they aren't being assholes.  But the truth is, they are.  All of them!  And yes, even you.  And you.  and sometimes you.

Our plan of action:

To have a boyfriend who is distant and makes tons of money who can throw us a few bills for our rent, our food, our fun, etc...  And also, someone to have sex with on the side.  We would have no need for jobs.  We wouldn't have to have commitment with meaning (but that's ok because there is no such thing) and that means there is more time for us to hang out!  

If only we were as heartless and if only we lacked feelings on all fronts.

  

Rant.

I honestly think that everything has a reason for happening. And this is what your mother wants. Even if it isn't, on paper, what you should be getting out of your education, I think she at least appreciates that you are dedicated to something. And playing music isn't that far fetched from Sound Design. Everyone goes to college and finds themselves doing something else. I go to school for Advertising Design. I want to work for an Ad firm, but for only a short while. I also want to work for a magazine doing photography and layouts. I also want to organize events with whatever company I end up with. I want to work on a political campaign. Although these are things that I want to do that loosely apply to my major, I also want to own a coffee shop/gallery someday. I want to be an art teacher at a high school for Ceramics. I want to have my own studio in my backyard.

So why am I going to school for something I don't plan on doing for the rest of my life? Because life would be boring if I ever actually did what I planned on doing.

Links for school.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2LOfgaSvKz8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GCt6csVCPmY

Mindfulness.

I don't think you really understand how you say things that may not be about me, but they really affect me. Remember that certain things are all-inclusive, so if you talk so poorly of this city then it seems as if you are talking poorly of me. If you talk so poorly of other things that might correlate with my life, then I can only draw conclusions from your words.

I may not be enough for you to love this city, but I should be enough to make you not feel so bitter towards it. Besides, you have a wonderful education and fantastic opportunities at your disposal and a thriving future ahead of you. Your future can happen beyond this city whilst appreciation for Chicago, though I understand that being discontent with this place makes for an easier departure.

I don't feel like this city is for me, either. But I am bound by education. This is fine, since I've always been impulsive and I've always run away from my problems. I've hated places and later found the beauty of living there. It just goes down in my mental book of "Things that shaped me and made me who I am today." But I wish I would have just enjoyed it while it was in front of me, instead of dwelling on the future of where I could be.

I implore you to find more than one reason to enjoy your time in Chicago, instead of just biding your time because of your loyalty to school. And if this isn't how you feel, then I implore you to show more appreciation for everything you have here (besides your other half, your music, your school, etc...)



And please, don't hate me for this.

Your like an Indian summer in the middle of winter.

Tomorrow I am going to demand a vacation at the end of the month. I have to be back for Hannah's birthday, but I have the long weekend before. I have so many people I need to see, and I'm worried that I am losing them.


I did a lot of thinking today, and I just want to apologize for not coming to Scotland already. It makes me seem like a shitty friend with terrible money management skills. I love you and miss you terribly. I reminisced by looking at photos from Amsterdam. Here is a re-post of us on top of the Sears Tower (oh, excuse me, Willis Tower) when you visited last summer!

"Where is this love? I can't see it, I can't touch it. I can't feel it. I can hear it. I can hear some words, but I can't do anything with your easy words."

-Natalie Portman from Closer

Going on walks. Playing softball.

Things.

http://gapersblock.com/

I'm excited for Celeste's art show this Friday! Braden said he would potentially come out, so I will be seeing some good people all in one night. Tomorrow, I play softball! This weekend is going to be great.

"All day walking all around my block

All day wishing that you were just lost

And wishing I was somewhere lost with you

And not lost without you, Baby Bleu"

I am starting over. It is so easy for me to hit the reset button, so another push won't hurt.

Camera Phone (Since 2007). In no particular order.

Home back home.


The cutest man on earth.


Blaine Kelley and I. Pretty much when we started falling in love.


Wes, Chelsea and I getting stoned.


My old boss, Pat. We spent Thanksgiving working together and wanting to die a little.


Bobards and I in the sunlight.


Perkins with Chelsea. How I miss theeeeeee.


Driving slow on icy roads. Thought I'd become a Grandma so that people wouldn't honk too much.


Mariah at Andrew Bird in Chicago!


Broccoli and I!


Abbey after she nearly froze to death outdoors because Chelsea and I were too busy watching Fresh Prince of Belair.


Michael and I.


The cake I baked for Christmas. I called him Christmas Monster Cakey.


Kyle Drake, the first time seeing each other after our break up. Out for coffee.


My old Chicago bedroom.


Chelsea dinosaur.


Suction cup.


Sarah at the Grill.


The CTA.


Vaggies.


Rose at lunch during first year college.


Our dearest Cerny giving a tattoo to Jenny of an 18th century woman!


Cooper. Nuff said.


April and I one drunken night.


Chelsea with pixie hair!


Our weekly art making in the basement.


Exboyfriend Michael and I walking down by the beach!


Big ass lips!


Hannah Bean going to bed.


Exboyfriend Kyle Drake, constantly bugging his hair.


Forever 21 with Kate in Chicago.


My brother Julian being baller.


Wes and his really big hand.


Farmer's Market in Chicago.


Chelsea at my parent's house. Scooter in the background! Miss you, Scoot Scoot!


Crazy Skydeck Eyes.


Driving in the van, most likely really cold.


"You better answer your phone when I call" - Dad.

Broccoli and I. She was the best.


Giant icecream thing at Margie's Candy. Oh the gluttony.


Coral throwing in our studio.


Just couldn't give up that big fuzzy hat.


Blaine and I at Little Tijuana's. He's got a moon face.


Cloud Cult at 3 am, last day in Minnesota before the Chicago move.


Keith!!!! I miss Dunn Brothers. Who knew?


Wakey, Wakey. Chelsea Bakey.


Brian in a laundry cart in Chicago.


Bobards in a car.


Tired?


Quick snap four photos. Big Fuzzy hat in Tiny House.


Dan.


My exboyfriend Michael driving in a car.


Chelsea eating meat for the first time in years.


How could you reject this face, Ally?


Uptown, Minneapolis.