Emotional arrears.

I've only felt half alive for the past couple of days.  My nose is running, I am light headed and I have to work tonight until close.  I haven't ever mentioned my friend/coworker Tom, but he is leaving on Friday to go back to Philadelphia.  We could have been potentially great friends, but it just never happened.  We spent so much time in our houses alone (and his house isn't very far from mine at all) and we didn't get together until his last two weeks of being here.  Now, I am regretting not just going for it, becoming good friends with his little scummy self.  But I think he will return to Chicago for the summers.  And that is a smart move.  Very, very smart.  

I am excited for New Years Eve.  I hear all of this hype around it.  

Leaky faucets.

I am currently running on an old person's schedule.  I went to sleep last night at 9 pm, only to wake up at 5 am.  Since I've been up for three hours, I've done a shit ton of thinking.  The burning questions is:

How come I have never been that girl that a man has been completely infatuated, in love with?  I feel like everyone I know has a person in their life, and they love each other so much.  Even when they move on, they still have this intense connection.  I once thought that maybe I had it with Braden.  But he's proven that he can love someone else a lot more.  This may sound bitter, but it isn't.  It's just me stating the facts and making intense observations.  I am happy for him, to say the most.

What I've gathered today.

I've found a wonderful new place to hang out in Chicago.  I've known it was there for a while.  But as I went in for my first time today, I was taken away into a little used book land, a land that I haven't really felt so comfortable to sit and read in since the library by my parent's house.  

I began to read some excerpts from a couple of really great books.  I've begun to read a bit by Malinowski, who is an anthropologist famous for his writings about primitive and savage societies in Malanesia.  I read mainly about women being widows and their social standpoint in a savage society (mainly just in New Guinea).  I think it is a bit silly to think that even savage societies gave women a higher level of respect back when Malinowski was doing field studies (early 20th century) even more so than most western cultures during that time.  I also read an excerpt from the beginning chapters about the roles of fathers in the Trobriand society, and how the term (which escapes from my head at the moment) that they use for the fathers stands for a "stranger".  If only in America, we referred to our father's as 'strangers' and the term 'father' wasn't used.  Or if only our mothers were more reliable like those in savage societies.  

Oh yeah, the only boyfriend that I have for today is small, brown and very handsome.

So many boyfriends.

I've been told by many that my infatuations with men are a bit over-the-top.  It's funny how twisted and fucked up that so many of these shit for brains fuck tards somehow manage to weasel their way into my life and fuck everything up.  And do you know why?  Because they look sooo good.  I don't think that it is male validation that I necessarily want.  I don't think I have ever sufficiently gotten male validation.  I think my friends have validated me even more, because they do it on a level that is all encompassing to the very person that I am (not just how I look, or the cool thing that I might have said).  

How is it that a boy who lives in Kalamazoo has a power to make me grieve so far down the line, and I didn't even know him as well as I could have?  Why am I a sucker for celebrity look-a-likes?  Why do I have trouble keeping those said "Fuck buddies" to just said "Fuck Buddy" status?  How come everyone that I encounter has too many issues to even think about having a girlfriend, but they get a girlfriend right after they've been flinging with me for ages?  How come all of my exboyfriend's new girlfriends are skinny?  How come I always find a date with a man who doesn't have any time on his hands, but still went for the date (and was searching for a date) anyway?  Why are Mexican men so skeezy?  

Bleck.

I don't want you, but I need you.

It's so early in the morning.  I just stepped out onto my front balcony, only to scurry back in from the terrifying cold.  Sometimes, I want to kick myself for moving to a place that has colder winters than Minneapolis.  I absolutely despise it when my spin tenses up, my teeth chatter, my nose hairs freeze and I am bundled up to no end.  Where is my next destination?  I have considered asking my mother if I could possibly stay with her, and then find a place in Arizona.  I don't particularly like the idea of Arizona, but I do really like to entertain the idea of warmth.  I wouldn't mind sweating in the winter.

Yesterday, I woke up really early and crashed before noon.  I wanted to stay up so badly, but my body just didn't allow it.  It is very tempting to lay on that pillow, but I think I will head over to Boystown to this little cafe to drink coffee, eat food and read for a bit.  I wish the library was open earlier.  

I had my 30 day review at my new job a week ago.  I felt like it went quite well, and they told me that I was doing an exceptional job.  I think I am starting to get the hang of making coffee drinks, and I also think I am starting to get the hang of controlling my anger towards rich fucks. I have been doing better lately, about a couple of sticky situations that were getting me down.  I met a boy in Kalamazoo who broke my heart.  I liked a guy who liked my roommate.  Chicago has been a lonely little city, and I do fear that everyone will hibernate without me.  Although, I've been a bit of recluse anyway.  

I will be going back a couple of times around the holidays.  Blaine has decided to have a friend's holiday gathering, Anne Frank themed.  I guess I have been designated as Anne Frank, and I am supposed to buy a witch nose down at the store for the full effect.  Haha, Blaine is so offensive.

I have been very perplexed by anthropology lately.  I've been reading more about it, and getting really really into it.  It is the first thing that has grabbed me since moving away from home.  Something that is on my mind a lot, and hopefully I can do something with it in the future.  

I took some weird pictures.

  

I don't regret to inform the entire world that I have broken out of my PC shell, and I bought a macbook.  It was a decision made within three days of entertaining the thought, but after maybe two hours of consideration, I went down to the snooty part of town to buy myself a potential non-exploding computer.  For some reason, it feels more fun to blog on it.  So after not updating for many, many moons...I regret to inform you that I have a lot of 'splainin to do.  

I've been bouncing around between many different realities.  I wasn't even really that aware that two weeks has passed since my good friend Abbey left to go hop trains.  She is now back on a temporary hitch hiking/train hopping hiatus, but I am sure she will find herself again.  

I could ramble about all of the little unimportant details of how I suddenly made this inside joke while I was geeking out on a my computer pre-explosion...but I will just stick with the juicy, most interesting details of my life.

I started a job down at Fox and Obel.  It is a food market/cafe, a partnership, one of those places you have to keep moving constantly and your feet swell up after an eight hour work day.  I enjoy most of it, for it goes by quite quickly.  The food is very delicious, and they are somewhat eco friendly.  

Here is a picture for your enjoyment.

  

Andrew Jackson, all I'm asking is to show us the wheel and give us the wine.

The last few days has only been complete and utter insanity! But most times, I enjoy insanity and it really beats uneventful times.

Friday night consisted of drinking ourselves silly, the usual. Abbey's friend Ross brought like seven people over, and we went to a theater in Wicker Park that wasn't having a show anymore. We left there, and hung out in Ross' living room listening to silly punk music. Abbey's VERY goodlooking friend Scott came with us. At 6 am, we got off the blue line and caught an aroma from the chocolate factory. We had gotten rained on, and we were very damp. We ventured over to the place, to see if we could get some chocolate. It didn't happen, due to high security but Abbey and I bought chocolate from the store so it was okay.

I had the most excellent job interview on Saturday day. It's at this place downtown. If I get offered the position, I will be most pleased. The rest of the afternoon into evening was spent cleaning for the party. A handful of good people attended the party, including my friend Mariah and her friend Christian. The three of us left the party, and had a silly little night dancing and singing in the rain. We traveled to a party that wasn't happening, but Pee Wee's playhouse always the best show to watch while nearing the tired drunk. Christian and I bonded, probably more than we should have, but I am excited to start a friendship with him and make my way with Mariah!

In the midst of this all, I found out that Chelsea is coming back sooner than planned! And she will be flying into Chicago! It's probably the best news ever, because I sometimes hurt too much missing her to even cry about it.

The next day, on Sunday, was spent hanging out with Abbey and the trainhoppers downtown. I was exhausted, so I had to cut the day short. I slept from 7pm until the next day at 11 am. My body completely rejected the weekend, but it was much needed I suppose.

Last night, Shannon's friends who are in this band called Builders and the Butchers played a lovely show that Amanda and I only caught one song of. I spent my hard earned cash from the summer at the bar, unregretably. All of the boys in the band were so nice, and two of them were so good looking. We all came back to our house, and smoked cigarettes and drank beer. It reminded me of the good summer nights in Minnesota.

This morning, I woke up and was reminded that cute boys were sleeping in my living room and not my bed. I said my farewells, and gave my Minneapolis reccommendations.



I really enjoy times like these. It reminds me why I've moved.

I inserted a random picture of Beckett, only because Beckett is a freak that needs to exploited! Abbey and I spent the day at the beach. It took us hours to get there, and I walked with a giant bag on my back filled with picnic goodies. We were surrounded by seagulls, that we chased away and yelled at constantly. This might be one of the last warmish days of the summer/early fall.

The room.

I am waiting for Abbey. It's been nearly two hours, and I only hope that she is okay out there. Anyway, it was a very productive day. And now, I have a real room! I will post them above. Does anyone want to come over?

When an aquaintance dies.

It's strange when you begin to lay down and think about the past.
I remember when Katelyn Horton died
I was completely void of all memories of her.
But I do remember now
In the art gallery down the hallway near the cafeteria
I posted six or seven pictures in golden frames
of people eating food
something basic, put together at the last minute
and people raved about them
especially Katelyn
and I sold them to her for eight bucks a piece.
She loved them so much
Strange.

Sunday wasn't boring!

It's funny how simply wonderful Chicago can be! Below, I had posted pictures from the drunken Laundromat experience. 1 part vodka to 2 parts orange juice in fiji water bottle = drinking in a laundromat. Today I hung out with Jeff, ate a nice little restaurant and went to Lake Michigan. I am also quite lucky to have a phone number from well, a gay man. I was waiting for the bus, and we started talking. I have to say that such strange encounters were few and far between in Minneapolis. I am going to be friends with this city, I know it. By the way, Jeff doesn't have a face. heh heh.

Fotografias (muchas).

Chicago has been very good to me so far. This morning, I woke up and hit my head on one of Shannon's shelves that are still in my room. And the virgin mary came flying down, plaster and all and hit me smack in the head. I have a bump.

The photograph that I attemped to take via camera phone didn't quite turn out well with Andrew Bird's flashy set. There were like a gazillion people there. Mariah (above) and I camped out on the lawn, though. Afterwards, we celebrated 5 years of friendship via bottles of wine and kitty hang out. She named her cat, Georgia, after much thinking. This photograph pops up everytime she calls me now.

I advise everyone to always take advantage of free music. No matter the time of day. No matter the obligations. Even though they are just silly little camera photos, I thought I'd post these for everyone's enjoyment. It was a very intimate set, acoustical and totally at 3:00 am.

I thought this was really weird.

Becky Yates takes a photograph of Robbie Yates and Blaine Kelley.

Experimentally drunk.

My New Best Friend, Beckett.

Gonna teach you tricks that will blow your mind.

The house is finally clean. After Josh proceeded to vomit next to the toilet, I proceeded to ignore it for a few hours. The funny thing about coming from a family with intense gag reflexes is that, we are always the ones who end up cleaning up things like vomit.

Sam (as posted kissing me below) and I have decided that we have a convenience marriage. Yesterday while hanging out, we left each other multiple times during the day to do things that we needed to get done before the party. He's one of my favorite new people.

Before the party even started, our neighbors had told me that they were going to give us a keg. We went to the little brewery in their basement to get samples! Dawn (the neighbor) was curious about Sam's tattoos. She grabbed his shirt, and looked at it. Sam then had said, "Yeah, it knicked my nipple". And then Dawn's husband walked in. We all gave him the 'deer in the headlights' look. Dawn grabbing shirt of young beautiful man, young beautiful man talking about his nipple. Nice. Dawn wrote me a letter. I will find a way to scan it in.

We sampled eight different kinds of beer! And we got an entire keg of homemade Irish red. People slowly trickled in, but as the night progressed, so did the fun. Blaine Kelley gave me two Maria Mena albums. Only him and I both understand the meaning and importance of that gift.

Greg Cash really grew on me this summer. His hard front is easy to make light of while drunk. His friend Rich, what it do. I should have made everyone sign a waiver before they came to the party, though. Rich is super offensive, in the offensive 'I am going to make fun of everyone' way. I think it's the best type of humor.

This has been the most official of official goodbyes that I've had in ages. I will get to see Chelsea, Wes and Blaine before I go. And what else do I really need besides that?

Anywho, the party was great and didn't stop until 7 am. Perkins is our saving grace, and guitar hero is better while beer'd.

Bah.

The days are getting fewer, and this week has definitely taken it's toll on me. I've found that MGMT has the most perfect song, fitting for this entire week. I wasn't sure if I was quite as ready to leave here as I said I was. But I am definitely ready now.

This is our decision, to live fast and die young. We've got the vision, now let's have some fun.

No, Josh. Don't.

So two nights ago I ran into Dawn, a lady who used to work at the Starbucks right next to the movie theater that I used to work at. The first thing she had said to me after our reunion via convention grill was

Dawn: Hey, have you talked to Jack lately?
Me: No, I haven't in years.
Dawn: Well he is working down at the Galleria Starbucks, so you should go see him.

I had found that to be kind of strange given that Jack was this guy who used to give me free coffee every single day. He was a manager, as well. There was a mutual understanding of attraction there, but I never pursued him because I was dating Braden for most of that time.

So then yesterday, while I was working the day shift at the Convention Grill...I ran into Jonathan. He was also a guy who worked at Starbucks. He had said to me

Jonathan: Hey, have you talked to Jack lately?
Me: No, I haven't in years.
Jonathan: Well he is working down at the Galleria Starbucks, so you should go see him.

Verbatim, the exact same conversation. Is something telling me to go to the starbucks in the galleria?

Maybe I will stop by today before work.

Blaine and I won't die young, but we won't die old.

Chicago and I are meant to be! It was a semi-dramatic, emotionally draining experience. But it was also just very simple. I finally met the girls that I will be moving in with. They've helped me determine that any interview that I may have for a new roommate (for the rest of my life) will consist of beer drinking, Heathers watching, and chain smoking while talking mad shit about the constantly draining world that we live in. It's mildly pessimistic, but majorly needed to vent with such passion. A "getting to know you" gone fantastic.

I am now at Blaine's house, reading old live journal posts. There are so many times that I cannot remember. I must have purposely blocked out most things. I've talked about everything from the shitty bands that I used to love to all of the fucking boys that I've liked. Hey there, Scottish Dude, I hope that you realize that our old conversations and livejournal comments were fucking RIDICULOUS. I shall share those embarassing times with you in person some night.

Blaine and I had a very heart felt moment that ended with, "When I'm with them, I am Miley Cyrus. But when I am with you, I am Hannah Montana!". He is genuinely someone that I will think about while I walk those streets of Chicago with my headphones on. I told him that he has made this year the most fun that my life has been in a few years. I enjoy not being pretentious with him. I enjoy wanting to enjoy fun.

As we tangled ourselves in blankets, we sipped our smoothies and really opened up about a past life we've not talked about yet. The birds were chirping at 7 in the morning, at the tiny little lake we've both known for good and bad times. I think we could both agree that we've created a different perspective on this subtle place.

Three fucking weeks.

I've found a mixed cd in my father's car! It came out of thin air, accompanied by another labeless Beatles mixed cd.

Music that sums me up before Perpich, consisting of this mix!

Radio - Alkaline Trio
32 Flavors - Ani Difranco
Sorry I am - Ani Difranco
San Dimas High School Football Rules - The Ataris
Lift Her Pull Her - Atmosphere
Brick - Ben Folds Five
It's oh-so-quiet - Bjork
Soco Amaretto Lime - Brand New
Let the Good Times Roll - The Cars
The Brilliant Dance - Dashboard Confessionals
Bitter Ending - Evergreen Terrace
This side of Brightness - Thursday


Who was I?!

How is it that I am never satisfied with my sense of fashion? I keep buying and buying and blogging and blogging and oh wait! I keep blogging. That's it. I keep blogging about fashion, therefore becoming disatisfied because little miss so and so has adopted a really new great style that I want! Recently, I have found out that I am hypoglycemic. I am basically so far away from being diabetic that it hurts! It's completely managable, and snacking is good! But I forget to eat most times. It takes 28 days to make/break a habit. Let's see if I can do this.

Reminders.

-Find a gym to join in Chicago
-Volunteer at the YWCA
-Contact Ashley before trip
-Contact Shannon before trip
-Get a one day pass to Cheetah Gym during stay
-Find a good farmer's market

Hate hate hate this.

It absolutely sucks fighting with a friend. The only advice that I could give to anyone on this subject is to be careful what you say, because it might take it's toll on the other person. Shiit.

Ufda.

Tonight was a semi-dramatic time. I ventured over to Michael's house after my Pizza Luce gathering with the high school crew (be sure to check missed connections for my mean post about the counterperson). Before I went over there, I gave Michael a phone call. You know it's always a good sign when you ask to come over and the other person responds with "I guess". It's similar to being punched in the gut with spikes or being shot in the eye with a bebe gun (I'm sure of it). Despite all of this, I went over to see him anyway. But I went over there with the intention of completely ending everything. No friendship. No fucking. No dating. No nothing. I had already come to terms with what was Michael and I. It was something wonderful before that it will never be now or again.

It would have been easy to just send everything that I had on my mind in an email. But I figured he was worth something to me before everything got fucked up. He woo'ed me in such a way, and he seemed to be someone who would go down in my book as "one of Ally's great loves". So I gave him the benefit of a face-to-face confrontation. I needed to be blunt with him about all of the times that he made me feel like shit. I also needed to tell him that toying with my emotions was a no-go. Riding at the tip of my tongue was the fact that he did everything so wrong in such a fashion that it made me not want to be his friend! But life isn't as simple as blurting out things that aren't easy to talk about. So I waited.

He kept talking at me about a new shirt that he bought. "Hey Ally, do you want to see my new shirt that I bought?" he said. "No, not really," I replied. I began to give up listening to what he had to say. I knew I was screwed when the Charlie Rose show came on with Neil Young because we had to sit through that entire thing before I could confront him. I was hoping for a commercial break, but no! Not a god damn one. After it was over, I hesitated again to confront him with everything I was feeling. Finally, it was like a big explosion when I told him. I was a bubble waiting to burst, and I knew he could feel it coming on. I finally came out with it. I told him exactly what I felt. I told him many things.

I concluded the night with leaving and saying, "I hope you know that this is the last time that I want to see you. We aren't friends". Let me tell you, that felt really great! I left on my scooter feeling liberated from a situation that was obviously weighing me down. I believe that when I was dating Kyle Drake that he gave me a wrinkle between my eyes because I had to glare and squint so much while dating him. Michael probably didn't help this at all, and now I look like a scary old woman! I am so glad that I removed myself from the situation.

He text messaged me, but I didn't respond. I won't give him that.

Goodbye, Michael. You weren't even that great.

Right now I am discussing the word "nutter" with my good friend Kyle via internet. Don't you think it's a disgusting word? It reminds me of nut butter, which is good but the word "nutter" seems like it would be a brand of nut butter that Jif would release.

Kyle lives over in Scotland! So far, far away.

Right now, I am also waiting for Margaret and Katharine to arrive. They were my old friends from high school. It's a mini reunion, though a few are missing from the picture.

The schmoe's that are in the yellow and black shirts to the far right weren't really my friends, hence the bundling of friends to the left.

My fabulous day at the beach with Alida has turned into a not so fabulous next day. I always believe that I will do alright without sunscreen. Aren't we supposed to learn from our mistakes? Now I am redder than ketchup and flinching everytime I move a muscle.

Michaelicious.

So Michael didn't die. Which is good, because if he did die I would probably find him and beat him up. Let it be known to all that if you die, Ally will probably come find you and beat your decrepide corpse until she finds your soul floating around somewhere to beat you up. And if you were cremated, then you are safe.

He simply lost his cellphone underneath his car seat. And I just recieved a call from him. Today will consist of true first tier suburb Edina spirit. Maybe going to the mall. Starbucks or Dunn Bros. Scooting around like we ain't no thang. I pretty much missed Michael the entire time he was gone in California.

Michael typically wears printed T-shirts (softer colours like beiges and dull whites). His style is influenced by the electronic music culture mixed with a slight indie rock feel and some sort of conservative edge. Fitted jeans and pants happen on him mostly. His shoes are always the most out of character with his style. They sometimes remind me of a skateboarder. His hair very swoopy, with a nice trimmed beard.

Bonnie "Prince" Billy once told a story about

When the sun welcomes us in and the earth's protective skin fails and peels back, face to chin then we start it all again

Aha! A list of everything and anything.

So I've taken it upon myself to start writing down a list of everything that I want to accomplish once I make my big move to Chicago. And because I know you all are interested, I'm going to put it on this thinger mahjig.

-Post in blog
-Make purses
-Buy a sewing machine
-paint room a cool colour
-volunteer at YMCA for a free gym membership
-buy a bike
-buy a train pass
-make dresses
-find two very different jobs
-volunteer at Food not Bombs
-Have clothing swaps
-art parties
-buy a cute winter coat
-buy a bed
-take an intense amount of pictures
-dumpster dive
-get health insurance
-thrift store shop alot
-get active in sexual health organizations
-paint!!!
-write letters
-keep sketch books
-make found object sculptures
-find cheap organic food markets
-learn how to budget money
-become a super chef
-drink in moderation
-yoga!
-read more books
-take long walks
-become a museum member
-get dental insurance
-save money for Scotland

Are these things possible?


Cloud Cult came to me in a thought and said
It's beautiful, insatiable, the way our chemicals collide

Feel the Rockstar.

This is what I look like. I've never been a big fan of product placement, but I've found that if they needed a Rockstar spokesperson, I'd be best to fit. I'm usually in tune with collective fashions meshed together into one big mess. I've always been the girl who either knows that an outfit was a hit and that it is photographable at every angle, or the girl who really regrets leaving the house in short skirts with short shirts (tunics save my short skirt's life). I rarely let anyone take my photograph, so most of my photographs are taken myself. I need to meet like minded photographers who know flattering angles for all body types.

Today I went to the beach with Alida. I will have photographs from today up within the next week or two. I stole my father's handy dandy 35mm camera for probably what will be the rest of the summer. So be patient! Photographs soon to come. 35mm cameras compared to digital cameras are what letters are compared to emails.

Tom Waits says

I stumbled in the darkness, lost and alone.

Squibbles and Squabbles.

I thought I would take time to post the essential people in my life at the moment. This is Chelsea. She's been one of those 'through thick and thin' people to me. I have always felt like if there was a battle I would need to go into head first, she would be there next to me fighting to the death.

Her hair isn't always this short. Right now it's darker, with blunt bangs and a slight bob. She always typically wears black, because her job requires it. I've never known anyone to wear just one colour collectively, and make it work. And hey, it could be worse. It could be day glow like our good friend Will Smith circa Fresh Prince of Belair. And we know that he could make it work only because of his ability to dance with pure limbs of glory!

So I scrambled on myspace for a photo, because I realized that all of my photographs taken of Wes were stupidly taken while drunk. I have a knack for documenting friends mid upper lip out, teeth slightly gapped and bottom lip slightly to the left while their eyes have rolled back into their head and their nostrils are flaired. I will snap that one good photo someday, Wes!

I remember once, when Wes had begged Chelsea and I to attend the saloon with him before gay pride weekend. It really put things into perspective for me. I realized that he isn't as gay I make him seem and that he is more attractive than most of the gay community in Minneapolis. Maybe I have a bias, because I am just that good of friends with him. He is one of the best people that I've met. We've coined so many phrases. For example, just to randomly say "Oogen, Boogen" while scooting down Hennepin avenue only means what it is while saying it during that time. And to possibly explain it later, well...it has taken on a new meaning by the time that comes. Wes typically wears nice clothes. Whether it be a nice leather messenger bag as a "must have" accessory or super short shorts from American Apparel. We could stand on a mountain while screaming "Fuck Louis Vuitton, Marc Jacobs please do us in the butt". We both understand the brevity in everything we say. And as a collective of Chelsea, Wes and I...we just make it happen. Simple.

More to come on other friends soon. Because I know you all care so much (and I know there is so many of you reading my blogs.)

The Beatles are saying to me that
I need a fix because I'm going down

Not very modest and living in a dream world.

I have this idea of a sexy runaway brunette.
She wears chunky boots with short black shorts and a worn yellow T-shirt
that she stole from her ex-boyfriend.
She's holding a vintage suitcase full of all her belongings
and she takes one last deep breath before
she jumps on a bus at sunrise.

When Chelsea and I attended Rock the Garden on June 21st of this year
we had come to the conclusion that there were
more cutes dresses than boys.

I can recognize that this is the first of many blogs to come.
And I will only dabble in the past as a reference
to something relevant to the present.
Because starting today is a new life
and I am always the biggest fan
of starting over.

Buddy Holly is telling me that
Well, alright. Well, alright. Our lifetime of love will be all right.