Oh where oh where is your inflammatory writ?

I have had the most boring day in my entire life. Do you ever wonder if one boring day will lead to a life of boredom? I always worry about that.


Around this time last year, I was dating Michael and living in the big house with Wes, Rachel and Alex. I was spending most of my time with Chelsea, and I was preparing for Kyle and Shona to come (because I probably had just found out they were coming).


Now I am living here in Chicago, leading a completely different life. Although life has taken an unexpected turn, I am still sure there is a reason for me being here.

Thought of the Day

The nicer you are to people, it still isn't good enough. Nothing good comes out of anything real. People are too sensitive. People want to custom make the people in their lives, they can't just learn to accept flaws as just differences.



There is too much pain and sadness in this world. And being a nice person is getting me nowhere in my love life, friendships, the work place, etc. I am still being highly judged and humiliated.






I have been reading about Elliot Smith while I should probably be doing homework. It has gotten me to think that it really does not matter how sober you get, how successful you are, if you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, if you win awards, etc.. because nothing ever gets better and you'll ultimately would be better off killing yourself if you do not want to endure the pain that the world brings. The world will never get better.


Now the question is, how many of us are strong enough to continue to live in a world full of sorrow?



How many people can stay ignorant? Maybe that is why most older people stay within their realm of a structured life. Maybe that is why people never leave their hometown. Because it doesn't matter where you go, because it is all the same.







Don't go down, stay with me, baby, stay.

I've got no desire to use you.

Not even a good bye? Why do you feel like you do not owe me at least that? I want my book back, and if this hoodie doesn't go away soon, I might make it go away. I hate that I can smell you on it. And I want to give that book to someone who plans on talking to me about it.


I am angry. I haven't been this angry, deep down in my gut for a long time. I feel so numb, that I am not even sure if I can even begin to be sad.


Maybe the numbness comes from being completely dumbfounded. Why won't you answer my phone calls? Why won't you just talk to me like a man? Do you not even want to be my friend?





I am stuck here waiting for a passing feeling

A snowball in hell.

I have a sunburn that creates the natural look of clothing. As if I were wearing a bright white capped sleeve shirt, and my arms were naturally pink. I look quite silly. I have never been able to understand why my nose burns within minutes of exposure to the sun. It's not like it is that much closer to the sun.

I am slightly dehydrated, and I just woke up from an hour nap. Today, I biked home from Pilsen (about 6 miles) to try and beat the rain. I was riding a cruiser, so I went as fast as that little bike's heart desired. I stopped at a garage sale in Ukrainian Village, in which I spent a dollar on a new big puffy hat, two blue mugs and a shirt. As soon as I hit Wicker Park and was on my way down Milwaukee, it was down pouring. I was soaked from head to toe as soon as I arrived home, but the rain felt good on my sunburn.

Yesterday was the first good day in a few days. Besides that day when I drank Brass Monkeys with Akili, which was a good night to be accounted for. I drew a picture of the "Redneck Mimosas" and I will be happy to post it on here as soon as I get it scanned.

So yesterday, I woke up around 9:30 and went to Amanda's house. We got ready for our bike ride down to Navy Pier. The sun felt so wonderful. We stopped at Fox and Obel for some coffee, and stepped outside to see The Produce Wonder of the World. Amanda and I both agreed that she can try to date him, but I will be the one who will have the affair with him. We giggled at our plots to take over the produce boy.

We walked over to Trader Joe's to get some goodies, a sushi platter, cheese, salad, bananas... and walked back to the pier. We sat by the rocks, and ate our food. There was this raccoon struggling in the rocks, and we tried to befriend her by throwing food her way.



Yesterday felt wonderful, and I felt less sad.







I want to feel like how I did yesterday more often in my near future.

The last attempt.

Dear boy,

I have no idea what I've done to make you feel like you want nothing to do with me. I know this week is busy, but so was mine. It would have been nice to talk, even if the talking lead to the end of you and I. I don't want this, and I don't know why you randomly have decided to leave me hanging. What have I done to you? What is so wrong?

I only want to care for you. I hate being fed the line, "There are plenty of other fish in the sea" because I can only respond that I only want one of them and that is you. I don't want anyone else, because you and I were off to an incredible start.

If it is the fact that I like to drink, then I can stop. It is something that I don't really care that much about. For the first time in a long time, I feel like giving up something like that would really benefit me in so many ways. I would take YOU over DRINKING any day.

I am so sorry that I drove my exboyfriend home. I didn't want you to think that something was going on there, because I am over that chapter in my life. If talking to him makes you feel so uncomfortable, then I don't need to talk to him. He isn't that good of a friend anyway.

This may seem desperate on so many levels, but it really isn't. I just really loved you in my life, and I love you very dearly! Not like a "I am in love with you" kind of way. I just love you so much as friend and the fact that we were something more was just a perk.

You won't hear me out, and I am so confused by it.





I was on top of the world while dating you. I obviously can live without you, but I don't really want to do that. Ending things with you now is like discontinuing a good book in the second chapter. And that sucks.





If you don't hate me by now, can we please just talk? I want you in my life no matter what.




Sincerely,


Ally

More art.

The first couple of weeks.

It doesn't matter if you try to be nice.
if you try to do good in the world.
if you try to care.
because so far my entire life lesson has taught me
that everyone is terrible and
you'll always be shat on
no matter what you do.



I am going to start today by being mean.
Because there is no point in being nice.