Emotional arrears.

I've only felt half alive for the past couple of days.  My nose is running, I am light headed and I have to work tonight until close.  I haven't ever mentioned my friend/coworker Tom, but he is leaving on Friday to go back to Philadelphia.  We could have been potentially great friends, but it just never happened.  We spent so much time in our houses alone (and his house isn't very far from mine at all) and we didn't get together until his last two weeks of being here.  Now, I am regretting not just going for it, becoming good friends with his little scummy self.  But I think he will return to Chicago for the summers.  And that is a smart move.  Very, very smart.  

I am excited for New Years Eve.  I hear all of this hype around it.  

Leaky faucets.

I am currently running on an old person's schedule.  I went to sleep last night at 9 pm, only to wake up at 5 am.  Since I've been up for three hours, I've done a shit ton of thinking.  The burning questions is:

How come I have never been that girl that a man has been completely infatuated, in love with?  I feel like everyone I know has a person in their life, and they love each other so much.  Even when they move on, they still have this intense connection.  I once thought that maybe I had it with Braden.  But he's proven that he can love someone else a lot more.  This may sound bitter, but it isn't.  It's just me stating the facts and making intense observations.  I am happy for him, to say the most.

What I've gathered today.

I've found a wonderful new place to hang out in Chicago.  I've known it was there for a while.  But as I went in for my first time today, I was taken away into a little used book land, a land that I haven't really felt so comfortable to sit and read in since the library by my parent's house.  

I began to read some excerpts from a couple of really great books.  I've begun to read a bit by Malinowski, who is an anthropologist famous for his writings about primitive and savage societies in Malanesia.  I read mainly about women being widows and their social standpoint in a savage society (mainly just in New Guinea).  I think it is a bit silly to think that even savage societies gave women a higher level of respect back when Malinowski was doing field studies (early 20th century) even more so than most western cultures during that time.  I also read an excerpt from the beginning chapters about the roles of fathers in the Trobriand society, and how the term (which escapes from my head at the moment) that they use for the fathers stands for a "stranger".  If only in America, we referred to our father's as 'strangers' and the term 'father' wasn't used.  Or if only our mothers were more reliable like those in savage societies.  

Oh yeah, the only boyfriend that I have for today is small, brown and very handsome.

So many boyfriends.

I've been told by many that my infatuations with men are a bit over-the-top.  It's funny how twisted and fucked up that so many of these shit for brains fuck tards somehow manage to weasel their way into my life and fuck everything up.  And do you know why?  Because they look sooo good.  I don't think that it is male validation that I necessarily want.  I don't think I have ever sufficiently gotten male validation.  I think my friends have validated me even more, because they do it on a level that is all encompassing to the very person that I am (not just how I look, or the cool thing that I might have said).  

How is it that a boy who lives in Kalamazoo has a power to make me grieve so far down the line, and I didn't even know him as well as I could have?  Why am I a sucker for celebrity look-a-likes?  Why do I have trouble keeping those said "Fuck buddies" to just said "Fuck Buddy" status?  How come everyone that I encounter has too many issues to even think about having a girlfriend, but they get a girlfriend right after they've been flinging with me for ages?  How come all of my exboyfriend's new girlfriends are skinny?  How come I always find a date with a man who doesn't have any time on his hands, but still went for the date (and was searching for a date) anyway?  Why are Mexican men so skeezy?  

Bleck.